Friday, November 26, 2010

This Tastes Like Mint......

This is the kind of games we play around here....... Steve Keenan booby trapped some Oreo Cookies. He took the delicious sweet filling out and replaced it, with minty fresh tooth paste. For two whole days he lied in wait. Delicately choosing which sweet snacks he would indulge in as he waited so to not commit Trapped Oreo Suicide. Like a patient hunter he waited for his prey. Then opportunity struck, equipped with an open package of Oreos he stood poised as he held them out as an open invitation to anyone who would like one. Of course I took the bait, who can refuse the sweet chocolaty goodness of Double Stuffed Oreos? Not I. As I ate the first one something was amiss about the stale, somewhat soggy cookie wafers, but it yielded a strange sweetness. Without second though or hesitation I helped myself to another, as did another victim, an innocent casualty of this war. Something was off...

Me: Why does this taste like mint? The other one didn't,  did it get shipped with soap or something?"
Steve: "That must be one of the ones I filled with tooth paste, Got you mutha fucka."

That’s the kind of games we play around here.....

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I just ask a little courtesy....

If you are so self conscious, or homophobic, or you need to hide the fact you got a little tally wacker that when you go into the latrine to take a piss you piss in a toilet stall and not a urinal please follow these simple rules:

1. Lift the seat
2. If you can't follow rule 1 at least wipe the piss dribble off the seat for the next guy.

Don't cut your toe nails while shitting. while this is a great way to save time it's still kinda weird, so knock that shit off.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wisdom from Brian

Brian : "Man I can't wait to get out of here, go to Canada and commit a bunch of hate crimes."

Monday, August 23, 2010

Lion 1 Midgets 0

So my buddy showed me this awsome story yesterday. Apparently in Cambodia they had 42 midget wrestlers fight an African Lion. The klassy government of Cambodia allowed this to take place if they got 50% of the take from ticket sales and no cameras would be allowed (a poor decision, but I'll talk more on that later). As one may be able to guess by the posts title, the lion won. In his wake he left 28 midgets dead and maimed 14 others, most of them missing limbs. Now call me crazy,  I dont think it's a good idea to start, but after I saw the first, ohh, 6 guys get mauled to death I probably would have come to the conclusion this was a bad idea and left. Bottom line, if your not tall enough to ride Space Mountain, your not beating a fuckin lion.
On to the short falls of the Cambodian government :

1. Instead of not allowing cameras, they should have broad cast it on pay-per-veiw. MONEY!
2. An activity such as this would create revenew from souviniers and for hotdog vendors. MONEY!
3. Unemployment claims for midgets would be nearly non-existant. MONEY!
4. Who wouldn't want to see this? Who I ask you? MONEY!
5. Events like this would also help control the population of midgets that is spiraling out of control. MONEY!

*FLASH- this just in : the original story is reported as a hoax, but I don't care. This would still be AWESOME and should definately happen.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Kuwait A/C AIDS

So we have finally figured out what all these little hair like particles we find on our desk is. ASBESTOS. Yum. We found this out by having chunks of asbestos blow through the air conditioning vent in our office. Some chunks were to big to pass through. So after shutting off the A/c in the smooth 118 degree heat of the day, we awaited our dear friend Hadji to come along and clean that shit out. Hadji did his job, power washed the unit and turned the A/c back on and now we are all cool and itchy. I am pretty sure I'll develop some kind of AIDS from breathing this crap in for the past months. my only question is who the hell puts asbestos in air conditioning ducts? Stupid Kuwaitis who want us to get AIDS, thats who.
  On an unrelated note, for some reason all the tabs to put this post online were in Chicken (that is what we call the scribble like writing of the indiginous people). So I am pretty proud of myself for successfuly navigating through Chicken to figure out how to post this. Perhaps that is why things are so messed up around here, they can't read that crap either.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

It's the little things

Fresh off my 2 weeks R&R leave I realize it's the little things you miss most. For instance, I'm getting tired of sitting on hot toilet seats. Now I'm not talking the warm like someones ass has just been pressed against it, I'm talking HOT. And these buildings are air conditioned. Early morning...HOT...Middle of the day...HOT.... Late at night....HOT. But then again when the seat is just hot you know it has had some rest between operators. Other wise instead of having that warm freshly used feeling, here it's more of a wet from that guys ass cause he been sweating all day cause its hotter than Hades outside feeling. Maybe I'm just a little crazy but I enjoy a nice cool, dry toilet seat.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Ramadan? More like Ramadumb...

So today is the First day of Ramadan, a Muslim holiday in which they fast and refrain from sex from dawn to dusk (sorry Ahmed no afternoon delight for you). They also ask for forgiveness of their sins and try to do good deeds. Here in the Middle East there are quite a few of these little Muslim fellas running around. So since we are American Christians, we kowtow to their ways and have to not eat, drink, smoke or not do anything that might upset these chaps. God forbid we offend someone by not practicing their religious faith that is direct contradiction with our own. You know what offends me? The fact that they do not celebrate Christmas or Easter with all us fine Christians being here helping these people. Why is it that WE must give into them? If we want the world to truly be peaceful and tolerant of each other shouldn't THEY give in and follow our religious wishes?
    I know what some of you are going to say.. "When in Rome...". Well guess what? I'm not in fucking Rome. I'm in hot ass Kuwait, helping people who were ruled by a ruthless god damn dictator until we came along and gave them civil rights. Why should I work so hard to make them all happy while I am here, when they refuse to assimilate to our culture when they come to America? If one of these guys sees me drinking water outside during the day cause it's hotter than Satan's ball bag, he should be smart enough to realize that I'm not a Muslim, so I'm not gonna do that fasting bullshit. Just like on Ash Wednesday I don't expect him to have Ash on his head or with me a hearty "Merry Christmas."
   In conclusion, I feel that if peace on earth and good will towards man is to be accomplished we should just let people practice whatever faith they want and not be judged by fallible man here on earth, but by the one true God. I also think it's a good idea because I know being a Christian and loving Jesus is right, and all those other heathens better get on board......."But that's intolerant" you might say, or "Who are you to say that". Well that would bring me to my next point.

FAITH...Not only is it a catchy tune by George Michael but it is what I have. I have faith in my religion and it's doctrine. That is why I can say 100% that Non-Christians go to hell. It's not hateful or judgemental, it's just what I believe. If that offends you than I'm certainly not sorry. In fact I am offended that you are offended at my belief. Who are you to say I am wrong? I can say you are not tolerant of MY belief, and isn't that what you want from me, tolerance? I hate how the people who want everyone else to be tolerant to all other peoples views refuse to be tolerant of  peoples views that differ from theirs.
   In summation, this is my longest post yet. I apologize for it's length, but not it's contents. I will try and keep things a little lighter and shorter. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go eat this tasty cheeseburger and drink 15 Gatorades outside....

Monday, August 9, 2010

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Old Photos

I was looking through some old photos I took a while back. I like this one, I remember a Vietnam Vet was at the wall in the rain with no umbrella, not asking for sympathy, not asking for money or a hand out. He was just telling his story, and the stories of his brothers on the wall. I guess all he was asking is for us to remember. May we never forget.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The most delicious Mountain Dew....ever

So one thing I have learned about Las Vegas is everything costs money, and alot of it. Recently I was parched and the wife wanted some shit to eat so we stopped at this little pastery shop in Ceasars Palace. She gets some ice cream, or Sorbet as she is now telling me its called, not that I care to know the difference. To me its just some cold creamy shit in a waffle cone. where was I? Oh yes, she has her ice cream and I tell the chap I'll have a Mountain Dew.....

Me : I'll have a fountain Mountain Dew.
Guy : OK, here ya go. That will be $6.50.
Me: $6.50 for a Mountain Dew!!?
Guy : Yes Sir, plus tax.
Me : (thinking to myself) Plus tax? Holy shit! This is the same Mountain Dew I get from Taco Bell, and for $6.50 I get at least 4 tacos.

So I smile and pay the man just under $7.00 for my fountain Mountain Dew. I psych myself up thinking this is gonna be good and take my first tastes like shit. But why would it be good? What kind of asshole goes into a gourmet pastry shop and gets a fuckin Mountain Dew?

A fact I Learned..

If during a windy day you get a real skinny guy and tie a poncho to his wrists and ankles you can indeed fly him like a kite. I wish i had video evidence of our success but we all thought the guy attached to the poncho would break an arm or a leg (we didn't fill him in on our hypothesis) we didn't want anything that could be used at trial.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

KA (Cirque Du Soleil)

So the Wife and I went to see KA tonight. For those of you who don't know what that is, cause I had no idea until I was told we were going, let me tell you. KA (pronounced "Kah" as in what you drive in Boston) is a performance put on by Cirque Du Soleil, or if your my brother in law  they are known as the "Big Gay French Canadian Circus". Well let me tell you, these faggots got talent. The shit they do is amazing. The story (if you can call it that) is a little hard to follow, some flute playing brother and sister get mixed up with some bad guys, ninjas, or whatever the fuck they are (It's not important) There is alot of flying around and acrobatic stuff but some of the shit they do.....WOW. I wouldn't mind going to another show and cant imagine going to see this on mushrooms or acid. Your head would explode. In conclusion, this is some good shit and worth the time and money, not to mention you don't get AIDS from seeing it.

Monday, August 2, 2010

What a surprise...

Bonin : Oh look, theres a surprise, Raiden got rice.

Rules of having naked pictures of past or present girlfriends / lovers

So everyone understands, there are rules that go with having nudie pics of girls. I didn't make these rules up, infact I dont know who did, but they seem pretty solid.

1. If you have nakid pictures of a girl some random girl or one your no longer with, you have to share them.
2. If you have nakid pictures of a girl your still dating, and don't plan on marrying her you have to share them.
3. If the pictures are of your wife than you dont have to share them, unless she is a cheating whore. In that case you make flyers and post those fuckers EVERYWHERE.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

On telling Bonin about the blog

Conversation via facebook about the new blog.

Me : Hey, check the blog.
Bonin : Screw your blogs, you smoke cigars and write blogs, who are you?

In case you didnt know, I'm a Doctor

Bonin : Hey what is this thing on my wrist? It hurts and has been there for a while.

Me : (looking at what is probably some kind of cyst) Oh, yea thats wristAIDS. I can get rid of it.

Wisdom from Steven Keenan

While having a conversation (some may say a debate) about the recent NBA finals with a Lakers fan Steve may have said one of the most memorable comments to date. The scene went something like this.

LA fan : The Lakers are better, the Celtics suck, and so did the movie The Departed.
Steve : (turning to me) Hey Pete, you know who has AIDS? Majic Johnson. You know who doesn't? Yea, Larry Bird.
LA fan : Wow, you just said that. I have nothing to say.